Calls From Africa Aren't What They Used To Be
Me: Hey Bro.
Ev: Hey. Are you near a computer?
Ev: Can you look up the term caveat emptor?
Me: Sure (typing it in). Ok. It means 'Let the buyer beware.'
Ev: F*** yeah! I knew that! Ok. I gotta go. Bye.
Things I have found in my house from the guy who...
Sam Adams Summer Ale Schweppes tonic A bill from the Mirage hotel in Vegas A spare button from Burberry It is so unfortunate that his company relocated him to New York and therefore he and I never had the chance to meet. Because I’m pretty sure that he might have just been my soul mate. If I find a photo any dachshund paraphanalia, I’m flying to NYC and looking him up.
Me: Look Rosie, I’ve got some bad news. I know I promised you a lover this time around with the whole ‘going into heat’ thing, but it just hasn’t worked out.
Rosie: Why’s that? By the way, while you’re telling me, could you hand me that piece of turkey you’re eating? Thanks.
Me: Well, the thing is, um, this is a hard thing for any parent to talk about with their child, but I guess it’s time we had the little ‘birds and the bees’ chat.
Rosie: Speaking of birds, go ahead and hand me that f’ing turkey.
Me: Right. Ok. Here’s the turkey. So, the thing is, in order for you to have a lover, you have to, um, have sex. And, there’s this thing called STDs. Apparently, dogs can get them. Who knew? So, the only dogs willing to do you are sketchy ones.
Rosie: This turkey is delish. Do you have more of that?
Me: Are you even listening to me?
Rosie: Yeah. Got it. STDs. Sketchy dachshunds. More turkey?
Me: Here’s a little more turkey. So, because it won’t work out with the other dogs, I’m going to have to buy another dog to live with us to eventually be your lover. I think that—
Rosie: Whoa. Stop it right there. Look. I’m fine with some other pooch coming around occasionally, but I have 100% rights to the bed and I’m definitely going to need the bacon rations to double around here if this happens.
Me: I’ll look into that.
Rosie: Yeah. You do that. And in the meantime, I’ll take that last slice please.
So proud of my little bro
Everett: Just because I like to live my life ironically, I've been wearing fake designer cuff links and ties every day that I've been working here to create laws protecting intellectual property.
Me: Would you say that's living ironically? Or living hypocritically?
Everett: Definitely ironically.
I make fast assumptions about people. I’m sorry. But I do. If you’re too pretty, I probably won’t like you at first because people who are too pretty generally aren’t nice. If you laugh a lot I’ll probably like you immediately. If you reference dachshunds even once in our first conversation, there’s a chance I’ll become your full time stalker. My new neighbors have quickly fallen prey to this...
My parents are coming in a few hours to help me move to my new house. I woke up early thinking about my many moving days over the last few years. As this will be my thirteenth dwelling place in the last nine years, there have been quite a few. (That’s counting different four college dorm rooms, but only counts Shelby once. And I’ve moved there six times in the last nine years. I move a...
(In case you didn’t know, that stands for “This is Africa.” It’s from Blood Diamond. In my mind, people in Africa say it all the time.) Anyway, yesterday I got to talk to my brother for a bit on the phone. He’s still in Ghana doing his thing (I’d elaborate more, but I don’t totally get it. Basically he’s doing something with patent laws and...
I have to wonder if there is a direct correlation... →
Funny they didn’t explore that possibility in the story.
But where does this deep reservoir of sarcasm come... →
This weekend when I was in the woods with some of my best friends pretending to have some clue how to do things like “pitch a tent” and “build a campfire,” several of us girls were talking. We were actually talking about another of our friends, when my friend Katie burst out “Why that little rascal!” in reference to our friend. I can’t remember the last...
Yesterday the magazine I work for had a fashion shoot. As I’m supposedly in charge of the style section of the magazine, I had to do some stuff with said shoot. The shoot took place at a nightlife/music complex here in Charlotte and went ALL FREAKING DAY. So, around 7:30, we’ve finally wrapped up and I’m dying because my feet are killing me from standing in impossibly uncomfortable shoes all day...
15 LOST mysteries that MUST get answered in the... →
so-calledwriter: Just clicking through this made me feel all excited, jittery, and frustrated. Oh LOST, how we love you. Totally agree. I got way too excited clicking through those. However, I’m more than a little nervous that I’m not going to like the final season of LOST. Supposedly not every single thing will be completely answer AND it’s not supposed to be a particularly...
Today I decided to have a wee bit of a nervous breakdown regarding purchasing a house next week. I turned to four different friends with my problem, looking for advice. The following were the part of those conversations: Friend 1: Don’t buy the house. You can’t even pay your bills on time. Let’s move to Europe. Friend 2: Not to totally psycho analyze, but I think you don’t want to buy a house...
And Herein Lies the Problem
Katie: Oh my God! Sarah! I almost forgot to tell you. I was watching some new reality show the other night and I saw your future husband on there!
Christy: Really? Was he a fashion designer?
Katie: No, he was a mogul. But he was a total f'ing d*****bag and he wore designer shoes!
Christy: Oh yeah. That make sense. What'd he look like?
Katie: He was really hot. But in a gay kind of way.
Christy: Of course.
Katie: And his hair had that poufy thing going on at the front.
Me: I'm so happy you thought of me.
There’s something I’ve been trying recently and really enjoying the results. So, I thought I’d pass it on to you, dear readers. Lately, I keep having to have conversations I don’t want to have. My alarm company wants to make excuses to me about why they are RIPPING ME OFF (I hate you ADT Security Services). My landlord’s realty company wants to tell me about why I need to repaint half the walls in...
When I was ten I went to summer camp for the first time. I was only about and hour and a half away from my parents and the camp was only like six days long, but it was a total disaster. I was homesick before my parents had even pulled out of the parking lot. I wrote long letters home every day, circling my tears on the pages and telling of the hard times sleeping in the cabin and paddling around...
Notes from Ghana
My brother, Everett, is living in Accra, Ghana for the next six weeks or so. I’ve requested that he start a blog to tell about it, but he seems to be resisting. So, in the meantime, I’ll just share some of his stories here. This morning, he wrote to me about the hostel where he’s been staying and has pretty much decided he’s going to live during his time there. This little...
"She stands for a genuine movement: a dwindling... →
Frank Rich on Sarah Palin from Saturday’s New York Times. It’s like he read my mind. (If my mind were much smarter and thought through political and social matters to this extent.)
To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else...– Emerson (via maluna)
Gary the Landlord →
genevieveclare: This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time. Start at page 3 (the link will take you there) and then read backwards. YOU FOCK. Thanks, Kate! I can’t breathe I’m laughing so hard. I love crazy people.