So my parents spent today at the Quail Hollow golf tournament in Charlotte where Tiger Woods was playing. Tiger had an awful day and didn't make the cut so we were chatting about it on the phone tonight.
Me: I heard half of CNN's crew left once it was obvious he wasn't going to make the cut.
My mom (who was driving): Yeah. Sarah you would not believe, Tiger had a HUGE.... (silence, she's clearly distracted by something on the drive)
My Mom: Yeah, he had a huuuuge.... Wait. Am I supposed to turn here?..... Oh. Anyway, he had a huuuge following.
Me: Really glad you said following.
(long awkward silence as my parents process dirty joke)
My mom: Have you been drinking?
Me: Whatever. You set me up for that.
“Here’s how you know, based on scripture, whether God has a specific plan for your life: 1. If you are a virgin and you get pregnant anyway. 2. If your donkey talks to you. 3. If an angel wants to wrestle. If any of this happens to you, God is definitely at work. He also wants you to see a counselor.” - Donald Miller If I had to choose one contemporary writer who has...
Fact: I will one day turn into this.
Me: Hey, I saw I missed a call from you.
Mom: Yeah, how are you?
Me: I'm good. What's up?
Mom: Your father killed a bat on the front porch. With the light bulb changer.
Me: Ew. Poor bat. Why didn't you just leave it alone?
Mom: Bats are bad! You don't want them around! They're terrible! They spread disease and kill things!
Me: Wait. Did you just call me to tell me that he'd killed a bat? That's it?
Mom: Well. Yes.
Me: Wow. You know, bats don't really bother me that much. Besides, it's Earth Day. You shouldn't be killing wild animals.
Mom: I'm doing the earth a favor. Bats are awful, dirty creatures. They started the plague, you know.
Me: I'm pretty sure rats started the plague.
Mom: Practically the same thing. They'll give you rabies. You know, once I knew a woman named Mary Smith whose entire family was bitten by bats and then had to have rabies shots for a month!
Me: Mary Smith, huh? Was her husband John Smith? Because this story is sounding pretty fake to me.
Mom: No! Her husband's name was Wylie!
Me: Uh huh. Definitely doesn't sound real.
Mom: I'm telling you! They gave them rabies! You have to kill bats!
Anonymous asked: I run a farm down in South Carolina where I let rich executives hunt game, no questions asked. I'd like to add dachsunds to the list of game my clients can hunt. How many pups do you think I could order from this first litter and how much are you asking?
You belong among the wildflowers, You belong in a boat out at sea, You belong...– Tom Petty (via DearbabyBlog) (via herbeautytoucheseverything) (via walksinbeauty)
megburns asked: Are you going to sell Rosie's puppies if she's pregnant? A cute little house with a big front porch is waiting in Connecticut. Just sayin'...
Well, blog readers, I have good news. Rosie finally consummated her relationship with Mackie. Twice. I’m not going to go into details because, well, no one wants that, but I will tell you that it happened once on Friday and once on Sunday. This has given me fresh hope that Rosie may actually have some really seriously cute little puppies come summer. (I’ll know for sure in a few...
Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by...– Og Mandino
(If you’re not interested in dog mating habits, I’d suggest skipping this post. If you are, well, that’s weird, but whatever, keep reading.) Last night, as I sat in the living room of two people I’d really never spoken to before last week and watched our dogs engage in activities I really didn’t want to see, it occurred to me that I’m dealing with an age old...
My weekend in ten bullet points. Because I know you were dying to know what I did for the last 48 hours: My parents had two trees fall in their driveway. In an effort to help them, I ambitiously tried to move the trees. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to pick up a tree, but they tend to be a little heavy. My back, which has now aged about 47 years, really regrets my ambition in this...
Well. Today was the day. Rosie and Mackie had a date set for 8 a.m. this morning to take care of business. I couldn’t sleep last night because I just kept thinking about how terrible it was going to be. I’d look across the pillow at Rosie, snoring happily next to me and think “she has no idea I’m whoring her out tomorrow.” So, when Mackie and his parents arrived at my...
I have mice. I don’t know how many or how long they’ve been around or what they do in their free time or if they prefer eating Rosie’s dog food or my potato chips. And frankly, I don’t care. I have about 1.2 gazillion other things going on in life right now such that the mice take up a very small corner of my brain. And, incidentally, a fairly small corner of my house. However, me having mice in...
If you’ve never had to call someone twice your age to alert them that your female dachshund is in heat and therefore ready to do the deed with their male dachshund, then I can say with some authority that I have experienced a more awkward situation than you. The other night I called my neighbor Tom, who I met a few weeks ago on the corner with his dachshund Mac. We’d exchanged numbers and I’d...