I’ve had some big(ish) decisions to make lately. In doing so, I’ve realized there’s no real manual in life on how to make choices. My parents keep mentioning something they refer to as “rational thinking,” but that sounds a little too, well, rational for me. So, I’d like to offer the following as an example to follow when decision making.
1. Sleep very little. Wake up to think at ungodly hours when thoughts like “I’m going to die alone and the dogs will eat my carcass before anyone finds me” seem totally normal.
2. Stop being productive in any other area of life. Seriously. Any. People may mention that you haven’t showered in three weeks. Tell those people you’re thinking really hard about something that doesn’t involve a loofah.
3. Ask everyone you know for advice. Your postman, that guy at Starbucks, the concierge in your building, your great aunt. Everyone. Then blatantly ignore everything they say. (See: “Re-Making Friends After Making Life Decisions”)
4. Make lists of pros and cons. Delete list. Make new list. Delete list. Make new list. Delete list. Throw laptop through window. Retrieve laptop from yard. Make new list. Delete list.
5. Read quotes online and try to apply them to your life. Consider constructing a life mantra based entirely on Steve Jobs quotes. Realize that’s stupid.
6. Try asking your dachshund for advice. Realize that’s stupid.
7. Try listening to inspirational music. Realize that no one has ever made a good decision based on the feelings they have after listening to the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack.
8. Make up extended metaphors that apply to your situation. Make the metaphors involve food. Make yourself hungry.
9. Drink wine. Not solving the problem? Try tequila.
10. Write a blog entry about decision making—you know, in order to put off actually making a decision.