My Opinion

I’m not going to get into the details of it, but yesterday’s move of my things from my parents’ basement was one of the more exhausting experiences of my life. I think the painfulness of the experience is best expressed by a phone conversation I found myself having with a man at the local UHaul facility around 7 p.m. 

Because my movers were unable to turn their 18-wheeler into my parents’ mile-long driveway, I was basically begging the UHaul place to stay open so that they could rent one of their trucks to use as a shuttle for my things to put them on their truck. So, the opinions below are not actually mine. They are things I say over the phone when attempting to calm down an angry racist UHaul employee who is very displeased about working at 7 p.m. on a Saturday while he waits for my drivers to arrive. 

UHaul guy: What are these guys, Mexicans? 

Me: Um no. They’re Ukrainian. 

UHaul guy (who, ironically, has such a thick country accent that he is more difficult for me to understand than my limited-English Ukrainian movers): Well, they sound Mexican on the phone. I just cain’t figure out why these people are comin’ up over our borders when they cain’t speak the damn language.

Me (throwing any sense of moral obligation to stand by my beliefs out the window in favor of getting this UHaul truck): Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s the worst.

UHaul guy: I mean, if I was going down to their country, I’d learn to speak… what’d you say it was? U-Cane Mexican? 

Me: Yes. I know, Ukrainians really should speak better English when they come up over our borders. I promise they’ll be there soon though. And they can communicate better in person. 

UHaul guy: You know, it’s Obama’s fault. He’s the one letting these Mexicans in. When did you say they were getting here?

Me: Yeah. Definitely his fault. They should be there very soon if you don’t mind waiting just a few more minutes please. 

And so last night I compromised my soul in favor of getting my stuff on a moving truck. The one thing that did make me feel better was imagining the face of the racist UHaul employee when the movers, who were Ukrainians based out of Brooklyn and looked exactly how I’d imagine Russian mafia to look, showed up at his shop after dark. Not from the U-Cane region of Mexico at all.