So, I didn’t want explain it in my blog send off of my parents’ pup, Abby, but her death was fairly tragic. She was eaten by coyotes. I’m not going to go into the details, but, as you might imagine, it was traumatic for my mom who could hear her barking from inside the house and saw the coyotes in yard.

I took this pretty personally. In large part because Rosie frequently explores the pastures around my parents’ farm and the idea of her being at risk is horrifying. So, I called my dad and demanded that he shoot the coyotes. Stat. He explained that it’s not that simple because they mostly only see them at night. Fine. Shoot them at night. He said that while the chance was only about one in ten thousand, shooting at night put you at risk for killing someone you can’t see in the darkness and he just wasn’t willing to do that. I told him those odds were good. Shoot them. If you kill someone you have a very large farm and an auger. Seems like an easy solution. But apparently he’s just not willing to go to prison for this one.

So, today I decided to search the internet for some alternatives since, despite my thoughts on the matter,  apparently my father is determined to be a law-abiding citizen rather than a dachshund avenging vigilante. The extent of conversation on the world wide web regarding killing coyotes is staggering. The extent of it that is testosterone-fueled discussion of how to kill one with your bare hands is even more amazing. Apparently, this is something people like to talk about. Who knew? 

Anyway, my favorite find of the day was a discussion board that was started by a guy who insists that coyotes are stalking him. The board was full of answers from people who cited themselves as knowledgeable because of backgrounds like “US Army Training” or “Hunter for 13+ years.” But the best answer came from a guy who just called himself a “Truth Telling Texan.” That’s right. Everyone else needs explanation, but not him. He’s a Texan. So obviously he knows how to kill things. The following is his completely awesome answer:

I can see you need a Texan to help you with this.

Now listen up and keep this between me and you. As the coyotes approach pick out the lead one and start barking at him and making eye contact. This will piss him off. As he runs at you he will leap for your throat, this is when you drop to one knee and grab him by one of his rear legs. You then use him as a club to beat the other Coyotes to death. If the one you grabbed is still alive just bash him against a tree.

If it’s a lone male attacking, use the same method, but instead of grabbing his leg, grab his testicles and swing him over you head a couple of times and throw him as far as you can. I have heard that the Coyote will never again get near you, or any other human. Good luck.

I’m guessing he said that “Good luck” at the end not for the guy trying to kill the coyotes, but rather for the human race now that he’s made his existence evident.


  1. wafflesninetythree said: Aw I am so sorry for your loss. My mom was very close to her dog too and it tore her up. Sendin good thoughts your way!
  2. disdainanddismayanddisgust said: That’s horrible. We’ve lost a couple of dogs to coyotes in the past year. If y’all find a solution, let me know! All we can think of is to just not let our dogs out after dark. Poor baby, though. I know how awful that is.
  3. inmyopinion posted this
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