My Opinion

You’re Sparkly, Let’s Drink

So my friends keep telling me that my blog is getting boring. Actually, their words were “quit trying to be a grown up” and “put one more cheesy quote up there and I’m never checking it again.” They have a really hard time expressing themselves.

Anyway, I promised my Puerto Rico traveling companions I’d write a blog about our trip that didn’t include drive-by shootings. So, I’m making a top ten list. These were, in my opinion, the best moments last week. Please excuse the self-indulgent nature of this post. At least it’s not a cheesy quote.

10. On the flight down we were deplaned before take off so they could replace a tire. Naturally, Katie, Joanna, and I decided to make good use of the airport bar. And forget about checking back at the gate. Which was how we ended up having to sprint onto the plane before they closed the doors. And then promptly received applause from everyone on the plane for actually showing up so they could take off. In case you’re wondering, sitting on a 747 in which everyone hates you for four hours is just as uncomfortable as you might imagine.

9. The second night we were there I gave Katie some bad news that she was exceedingly angry at me about. I had a thick curtain blocking my room from theirs. After yelling at me for like ten minutes Katie tried to dramatically leave and got tangled in the curtain and stuck. I laughed until I cried. 

8. One night, in a bar, literally everyone started spontaneously singing Spice Girls Wannabe. I honestly have no idea why. 

7. On Monday we hiked to a waterfall in the rainforest. Rigby, Joanna, and I wanted to swim in it. Rigby and I were wearing sports bras and bathing suit bottoms. Joanna was wearing Victoria’s Secret underwear. We all hopped in with a bunch of guys. Then they invited us to climb up the waterfall with them to a “secret lagoon.” Not related at all to the fact that Joanna was essentially naked, I’m sure. 

6. Have you ever taken a midday nap with three other people on a public sofa? Yeah. Me neither. 

5. I like Doritos. Sorry I’m not sorry. They’re crunchy processed cheese little bites of heaven. So, as a vacation treat I bought a bag one day. The next day Katie yelled across an entire ferry terminal full of people “Sarah, this vending machine has Doritos. Do you need a bag?” then walked into the bathroom, leaving me to apologetically smile and shrug at like 200 people about the crazy Dorito lady. 

4. Halfway through the week we discovered that Bacardi rum is dirt cheap in Puerto Rico. And then I discovered that Joanna and Katie were plotting to import half of the country’s supply. And then I discovered they intended to have it for a party they were planning on throwing at MY house. Sometimes you really have to watch your friends.

3. For our night tour of the island’s biolumenescent bay, we picked the sketchiest tour company of all time. The other tours had fancy instructors and buses. We had a gutted rusty van and a guide from Brooklyn named Moses who had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth the whole time. He insisted on Katie and I riding in his kayak, during which he spent most of the time talking about a girl who’d been bitten by a shark in the bay and how he’d been thinking of taking a bite out of her, but the shark got her first. I actually miss Moses a little. 

2. We took a morning yoga class at a commune. I’m 31 and have yet to make it through a yoga class without making inappropriate comments and getting in trouble. Sorry. But my maturity just isn’t up to the task of some of those poses. 

1. Speaking of maturity, I’d like to take this opportunity to publicly apologize on behalf of myself and my friends to every other person who was at Vieques’ W on Friday night. That’s all.